Computer Terms

Computer Terms

• /2A mathematical symbol, meaning "only half of the real value," as in 1/2 or PS/2 (OS/2???)
• 386? No, 486? Oops 568!The only chip to consider if you're buying a DOS machine. Until Intel ramps up the 686.
• 586The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
• 640KThe salary the average Wall Street PC analyst pulls in each year.
• AlgorithmA catchy 1930 song by George and Ira Gershwin.
• AvailabilityDate when a dozen copies of the beta version will be hurriedly shrink-wrapped for the benefit of the press and the investment community.
• BackupThe chore you were really, honestly, going to do the very next thing before you switched drive letters and accidentally copied older, out-of-date versions of you files over all your newer ones at 3 a.m.
• BitA word used to describe computers, as in "Our son's computer cost quite a bit."
• BootWhat your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills.
• BufferThe only other job - involving a chamois at the car wash - for which most computer store salespeople are qualified.
• BugWhat your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: what computer magazine companies do to you after they get your name on their mailing list.
• Bundled softwareFree applications like home dentistry packages and Esperanto spelling dictionaries that are thrown in with cheap clones so you think you're getting real value for your money.
• CD-ROMA $100 dollar mechanism in a $1,200 cabinet that accesses vast quantities of valuable information too slowly to use.
• ChipsThe fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.
• CopyWhat you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying.
• Copy protectionA sly technique employed by hardware vendors to combat software piracy by continually changing the size and compatibility of disk drives (from 160K to 320K to 360K to 1.2MB to 720K to 1.4MB, etc.).
• CP/MAn antiquated operation system from the early days of computing, based on inscrutable prompts like A>, terse commands, and absurdly backward conventions, such as 11-character limits on filenames. Contrasted with today's modern versions of DOS.
• CursorWhat you turn into when you can't get your computer to perform, as in "You $#% computer!"
• Database, flat-fileA program selling for under $500 that most people use to keep lists of names and addresses, etc.
• Database, relational/programmableA program selling for over $500 that most people use to keep lists of names and addresses, etc.
• DebuggingThe process of uncovering glitches by packaging prerelease software as software as finished products, then waiting for irate customers to report problems.
• DiskWhat goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.
• Disk crashA typical computer response to any critical deadline.
• Downward compatibilityYou really didn't have to spend the money for the upgraded version, since all you use anyway is the old set of features.
• DumpThe place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.
• End UserOne born every minute.
• Entry levelOnly slightly above most users' heads.
• ErrorWhat you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."
• Expanded memoryRAM that is, uh, well, um, different from extended memory.
• Expansion slotThe computer didn't come with everything you needed.
• Expansion unitThe new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.
• Extended memoryRAM that is, uh, well, um, different from expanded memory.
• FAXOriginally a last resort for procrastinators who missed the final Federal Express pickup; these days, an expensive way to order lunch from the pizza place around the corner.
• FileWhat your secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day's work in 30 minutes.
• FirmwareSoftware with permanent bugs hardwired into it.
• Floppy
  1. The condition of a constant computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see Chips").
  2. The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
• G3Apple's new Macs that make you say "Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago."
• GUIWhat your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it (pronounced "gooey").
• Hard driveThe sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
• HardwareTools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
• IBMThe kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.
• IconOne picture is worth a thousand lawsuits. Or, as Shakespeare might have put it, "He who steals my trash better have a large purse.
• Installation routineA process employed by many applications to overwrite and thereby trash the user's existing and painstakingly created AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS files
• Interface, character-basedA way of presenting information to the user that's every bit as good as a user interface except in the areas of readability, ease of use, intuitiveness, and productivity.
• Interface, graphic user (GUI)An increasingly popular way of presenting information to the user, originally designed by Xerox PARC and now being adopted by dozens of competitors; otherwise known as the Trial Attorney Full Employment Act.
• KeyboardThe standard way to generate computer errors.
• LaptopA dinky keyboard wedded to a lousy monochrome screen, all with bad battery life.
• Live linksA clever system that lets you unknowingly corrupt data in lots of separate files at the same time.
• Low-bandwidthThe process of talking to a corporate press relations official. (Question: How many IBM PR types does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: We'll have to get back to you on that.)
• MenuWhat you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.
• MicrosecondThe time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
• MonitorOften thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.
• MouseAn advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. (-> Keyboard)
• NanosecondThe time it takes after your warranty expires for your hard disk to start making a sound like a monkey wrench in a blender.
• NiCad batteryA cell that powers a laptop long enough to let you do three solid hours of work, then dies before you're ready to save any of it to disk.
• ObsoleteAny computer you own.
• Open systemMade up of parts from different manufacturers so that, when you crash, each vendor can blame the others.
• OptionalIt should have come free, but someone in the marketing department ran 1-2-3 and figured they'd double their profits this way.
• ParityA ninth memory bit that one time in nine will crash an otherwise perfectly functioning system when it detects an error in itself.
• PartitionA wall you have to build around a noisy dot matrix printer that makes only slightly less noise than a tree chipper.
• Point-and-shootYou mean you'd rather click on a menu choice than have to type things like DEVICE=\DOS\UTS\DRIVER.SYS /D:0 /T:80 /S:15 /H:2 /C /F:1?
• Portable computerA device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
• Power SurgeWhat an MIS director feels when he denies you access to your own database.
• Power user
  • Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
  • Someone who's read the manual all the way through once.
• ProductivityPrinting out 30 different versions of your document before getting the spacing correct.
• ProgramsThose things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.
• Real-time clockA 50-dollar option based on a five-cent chip.
• ReturnWhat lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half.
• SAASilly And Awkward.
• ShellA clumsy program that forces users to stumble through ten menus to get anything done in DOS instead of typing a simple three-character command.
• Shock-mountedMake sure you're sitting down when you ask the price.
• SpreadsheetSophisticated software that can be used as a database, rudimentary word processor, graphing program, and, in a pinch, a ledger.
• StackThe place in the corner of the room where you pile unopened software manuals.
• StandardManufactured by the company that does the flashiest advertising.
• State-of-the-artAny computer you can't afford.
• SupportFast, simple, courteous, friendly, accurate help available to any user who happens to work for any company that bought 1,000 copies of the product.
• Syntax errorWalking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
• System updateA quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
• TerminalA place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.
• ThroughputWhat you feel like doing with your foot and your computer screen after you see the message "General Failure Error Reading Drive C:".
• Toll-free hotlineAn AT&T busy-signal test number.
• Toner cartridgeA device to refill laser printers; invented by the Association of American Dry Cleaners.
• Torture testEveryone-from the UPS guy to the clerk who opened the box to the intern who executed the speed test-accidentally dropped it.
• TutorialA program that forces you to sit through lessons on every last obscure and little-used feature of an application while ignoring overall fundamental tricks that would make you far more productive.
• Unix, year ofSee Calendar, perpetual.
• Value-added:A lot more expensive.
• VirusCommonly, the belief of incompetent users that some mysterious external force is to blame for their mistakes at the keyboard.
• WindowWhat you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.
• WorkstationAny PC that sells for more than $10,000.
• XTAll the computer that most users who just type letters and run typical spreadsheets will ever need, even though a 386 machine will reformat their text a whole tenth of a second faster.