General Motors Helpline

General Motors Helpline

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine if they did . . .

• HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
• CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
• HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
• CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
• HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
• CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

• HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
• CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
• HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
• CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know!?"
• HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
• CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
• HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
• CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000. for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

• HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
• CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"
• HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
• CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
• HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
• CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
• HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
• CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"

• HELPLINE: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
• CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
• HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
• CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
• HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
• CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
• HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
• CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"