The Bastard Operator from Hell

The Bastard Operator from Hell

The Bastard Operator from Hell #1

It's backup day today so I'm pissed off. Being the BOFH, however, does have it's advantages. I reassign null to be the tape device - it's so much more economical on my time as I don't have to keep getting up to change tapes every 5 minutes. And it speeds up backups too, so it can't be all bad can it? Of course not.

The Bastard Operator from Hell #2

I'm sitting at the desk, playing x-tank, when some thoughtless bastard rings me on the phone. I pick it up.

The Bastard Operator from Hell #3

So I'm working so hard I barely have time to drive into town and watch a movie before I told people their printing will be ready. The queue's WAAAAAY too long to have everything printed (and sorted) by the time I told them, so I kill all the small jobs so there's only 2 left and I can sort them in no time.

The Bastard Operator from Hell #4

It's a thursday, and I'm in a good mood. It's payday. I think I'll take some calls. I put the phone back on the hook. It rings.

The Bastard Operator from Hell #5

I'm bored senseless, so I pass the time by reading users email. I must admit that today's lot is PARTICULARLY boring, not one good message in all of them. I was expecting at LEAST some veiled reference to a grope in a storeroom, but nothing. So I'm bored senseless by the usual drivel about some relative's surgery and how the weather is over the other side of the world - that sort of crap.

The Bastard Operator from Hell #6

It's friday, so I get into work early, before lunch even. The phone rings. Shit!

The Bastard Operator from Hell #7

So I manage AT LONG LAST, to get a couple of hours off for lunch, AND, because I can't leave my desk unattended, I get the janitor in and have him sit in my chair. I tell him that all he has to do is make sure the receiver doesn't accidentally get put back on the hook. He agrees and I'm off.

The Bastard Operator from Hell #8

I'm at my desk as usual, and a user calls. "Hello Computer Room, Simon here, How can I help?" I answer

The Bastard Operator from Hell #9

I'm driving to work and I'm stuck behind this old guy, the classic slow driver from hell, whose car red-lines at 20 mph and can't take corners at more than 5. I honk my horn but his hearing aid's probably turned way down to "whisper", so I'm stuck.

The Bastard Operator from Hell #10

I get invited to a lecture as a guest speaker in "Computing Operations Fund- amentals", so I leave the control room in the capable hands of Sam, the janitor and cruise on down. The lecture starts and goes ok, then there's a 10 minute period where students get to ask a "real operator" questions that they have about operations.

The Bastard Operator from Hell #11

The Bastard LIVES! The darkness cleared as we got out of the tunnel and it occurred to me that I couldn't be all that injured. Then again, maybe I was. Someone was going to p..

The Bastard Operator from Hell #12

I get to work and I'm a bit tired so I plug a thick hunk of copper across the three phase supply and throw the switch. The room is plunged into darkness as the circuit breakers trip and for once the machine room is silent.

The Bastard Operator from Hell #13

I'm busy with my new shell replacement login script, and it's almost foolproof. Let's just say it pops up with: "Yes means No and No means Yes. Delete all files [Y]? "

The Bastard System Manager from Hell #1

I get into my office and it's my first day - I want to make a good impression, so I empty my IN tray into the bin. Now that's what I call efficient!

The Bastard System Manager from Hell #2

So I'm interviewing for new Operators, and, as the Bastard System Manager from Hell, I have high standards. And as the Immediate Past Bastard Operator from Hell, I have even higher standards.

The Bastard Operator from Hell #14

BOFH Rides Again Don't ask how I got back, I just did. Suffice to say that work frowns upon management material that uses electrodes to gain client information. Especially when you do it to the boss's in-laws. That's HIS entertainment.

The Bastard Operator from Hell #15

It's a warm afternoon in the computer room. I dunno, maybe I should turn the chillers back on, but what the hell, I've got a cold and I need to keep warm.

The Bastard Operator from Britain #1

"He's back, and this time he's got a portable bulk-eraser!!!"

The Bastard Operator from Britain #2

The promotions committee is strangely quiet today. Normally they're far more boisterous and sure of themselves. This has to be good news. "Now Simon, as you know there's a vacancy for a Senior Operator in the Computer Centre following the tragic accident in the staff showers."

The Bastard REALLY is Back

I get back from Britian and return to my old stomping grounds to take up a post as an Analyst/Programmer... As an A/P I'm expected to work weird hours so I start putting in some 9 to 5 shifts to see what it's like.

The Revised, King James Prehistory of B.O.F.H

Where it came from, How and Why... Here's the revised version in the light of various revelations.

The most recent Bastard FAQ

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